How to Get a Guy to Like You
by novusluna
Summary: To give out the moral of this story upfront: You shouldn't rely too much on Cosmo articles that suggest ass grabbing as a way of modern courtship. Kise learns this the hard way.


**A/N: First off, an apology to my Pretty Boy Syndrome readers, MidoKise week took priority, sorry, sorry, so sorry.**

 **Secondly, Happy MidoKise week~! *confetti* (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧**

 **I had somehow convinced myself that the week started much later than it does and imagine my surprise when I got on tumblr had a dawning realization of the terrible, terrible truth...**

 **On that note, onwards to the fic... Enjoy~! :DD**

* * *

Kise liked Midorima. A lot. And Midorima can tolerate his company for an hour and 45 minutes on good days for cancers, which was pretty much a love confession in itself.

Needless to say, the majority of the Teiko basketball club disagreed. Strongly.

They should really learn to be less nitpicky about the minor details. Tiny irrelevant, inconsequential details like Kise actually asking Midorima out on a date or even expressing any degree interest. Kise usually didn't have to deal with such troublesome things since everyone pretty much threw themselves at him if he dared make eye contact for more than 3 seconds.

Midorima Shintarou was very much _not_ everyone.

So Kise had a problem and Google was his personal god the same way Oha Asa was Midorima's and that's how he ended up with 15+ tabs open with titles like _'How to Get a Guy to Like You', 'The Secret to Getting Any Man', '4 Traits Men Find Irresistible'_ and _'Cosmo Wants To Help You Trap A Man, Ladies'_ …

"Kise-kun, what exactly are you-" Kise startled and then froze when he heard the voice of a familiar someone who had a terribly bad habit of appearing out of nowhere and scaring the living daylights ,and on occasion even nightlights, out of people.

Kuroko peered over Kise's shoulder, his face that was already devoid of any emotion, getting blanker and blanker at each article title.

"I'm not going to ask" He says finally, and Kise takes that as his blessing to continue with his _Operation Cosmopolitan._

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #1. Admire his sense of style_

"Midorimacchi, that looks so great on you! The colour really accentuates your skin tone and it just fits you so well~ You've got a great sense of fashion!" Kise finishes his mirror-practiced speech with a dazzling sunshine smile.

Midorima frowns at him, and then frowns down at himself. Kise didn't take this to heart, Midorima's rarely seen without a frown, his resting face even gives out serial killer vibes to the underclassmen.

"…I'm wearing the basketball uniform" He pronounces finally "The same as you"

Oh.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #2. Ask him to be your style expert_

"Should I go with this blue or this blue?" Kise demands once he had physically dragged Midorima to the nearest clothing retailer, which was a good many miles away from both their respective homes.

To be fair, Midorima gives both pieces of clothing a fair amount of consideration, before lifting his head and committing fashion blasphemy.

"They're both blue, I don't see a difference- _nanodayo_ "

"One's periwinkle and the other's cerulean" Kise wails in despair, and Midorima stares at him like he's speaking another language.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #3. Pay attention to detail_

The detail everyone noticed about Midorima upon first glance was his lucky items, that had the habit of taking up more than half Midorima's size in space the worse Oha-Asa deems cancer's luck be.

This was how a regular conversation addressing Midorima's lucky items proceeded…

 _"What a cute item Midorimacchi!"_

 _" I assure you that 'cuteness' was not a deciding factor" He shifts his glasses up his nose 'Cancer's rank today is rank and the lucky item to counteract the bad luck is item. You never know when misfortune will strike. You must do everything in your power so that you'll be first in line to be chosen by fate…"_

And so on.

Kise liked Midorima. He really, really did. But hearing the same speech every single day takes its toll on a person, even a person as strong willed and romantically hopeless as Kise was.

But by now, Midorima expects Kise to ask him about his lucky items so he no longer bothers to wait for any verbal invitation on Kise's part and starts rambling on about Oha Asa as soon as he sees Kise. He even takes it upon himself to bring Kise's lucky item, convinced he's found himself a fellow horoscope enthusiast.

The rest of the club sympathizes but are also in unanimous agreement that he brought it on himself.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #4. Join his cheering section_

One of the vice-captain's duties was to review match tapes with the captain, but it was a very rare day where Akashi prioritized his student council duties over his basketball ones and Kise pounced on this as his one and only chance.

"So!" Kise settled himself next to Midorima, popcorn and a cheer bandana over his hair. "Who are you rooting for?"

Midorima gives him a look that would turn fresh-out-of-a-cow's-udder milk sour.

"It's last year's finals between Kamata West and Teiko" He bit out "Just who exactly do you think I'm rooting for?"

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #5. Join his team_

…If getting a guy was as easy as that, then Midorima would've been all his, a good two years ago.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #6. Put on Your Best Game Face_

Kise suspects his idea of a game face and that of Cosmopolitan magazine's are two very, very different things. But that still didn't stop him from going to his ever so reliable captain and asking him to please pair him up for one-on-ones with Midorima for the foreseeable future, please and thank you.

Akashi kindly grants him 5 days because he was in his angel mode that particular day. Needless to say, Aomine was not happy at losing his regular practice buddy, but he'll survive.

On one hand, Kise's overall win percentage increased from 0 to 27% but on the other more romantic hand, he didn't think his game face had much of an effect on his quest to win Midorima's heart. Sure it was sweaty and intense, but Kise had gotten too wrapped in the actual game instead of working his seduction charms so that had been pretty much a waste of 5 days.

"You're improving on your defense" Midorima comments out of the blue on their last day together.

"Eh?" Kise responds intelligently and Midorima walks away in a huff, leaving Kise to wonder what all that had been about?

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #7. Mistake his Identity_

Kise tapped Midorima on the shoulder.

"What, Kise?" Midorima asked irritably without even turning, so Kise's expression of feigned surprise went down the metaphorical drain.

"Oh sorry!" He exclaimed instead, retracting his hand quickly. "I thought you were someone else!"

Midorima turns then, not angry and raving about Kise's utter imbecility as he was prone to do, but rather, he looks curious and even concerned.

"I'll take you with me to meet my optician" He says with an air of _'And that's final!'_ and doesn't even add that there were no other 5'7 green haired Teiko student who'd carry a fishing rope around.

Well, they get to spend more time together, which is a win by Kise's score.

Aomine calls Kise's scoring system desperate. But Aomine also prefers cardboard cutouts of Horikata Mai-chan to actual girls and therefore was in no place to judge.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #8. Write him an IOU_

Kise invests in colourful heart-shaped post-it notes and leaves them on every spare surface that Midorima owns with his number on it.

"Kise" Midorima approaches him a couple of days later, with a strange look on his face….well, at least he's making an active effort at interaction so not all hope is lost, right? "I already know your number, I know the numbers of everyone in the team. I'm the vice-captain, in case you forgot"

 _If you know my number,_ Kise wants to sob, _why won't you call me?_

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #9. Show Off Your Neck and Shoulders_

"Ryouta, I need you to stop implementing your own style to the basketball uniform" His captain sighs, as Ryouta tries to push down both sleeves of his shirt off his shoulder "And while you're at it, as Student Council President, I'd also prefer it if you keep stripping in the hallways whenever you see Shintarou to a minimum. It's causing quite the commotion among the student body"

"It's not really stripping if I'm just taking the top part off though" Kise pleads with the power of his puppy dog eyes but all that earned him was extra laps.

 _"And just why do I have to run as well!?"_ Midorima screeched next to him, so loudly that first years who were nowhere near them jumped out of the way. Well, Kise wasn't complaining.

It's sometimes hard to decide if Akashicchi was a saint or the devil himself.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #10. Use Your Drink as a Seduction Prop_

"Oh, I'm so hot" Kise flopped melodramatically next to Midorima, and panted "And so thirsty! I'm dying~"

"You're too close, get away from me" Midorima grumbles but still hands over his can of red bean soup.

Kise hates red bean soup, chilled or otherwise, as much as he likes Midorima. And he likes Midorima a lot.

The very next second he was gulping down the drink as fast as he could while crushing up the can in his hand to get every little drop of it, ignoring Midorima's insistence that he slow down and leave some for him-nanodayo, because _INDIRECT KISS._

Later, Kise realized that he had completely strayed from the original plan which, unfortunately, didn't have any kisses, indirect or otherwise, in the agenda. But, to be perfectly fair, it wasn't really his fault. It was a form of reverse seduction, and wasn't fair of Midorima to inflict it on him without even realizing what he was doing.

Indirect kiss or not, the red bean soup still tasted as disgusting as ever. Ah, the horrors one undergoes for the sake of love~

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #11. Subtly Show Off Your Lower Half_

"Kise-kun, please stop gyrating in front of the locker room mirrors, it's scaring the underclassmen"

"I'm practicing" Kise defends himself. "How else would I get Midorimacchi to notice my boy parts?"

Kuroko blinks. It was a slow and long blink that seemed like it questioned Kise's state of mind.

"Please wait here" Kuroko says finally, and Kise obliges. He practices some more, seeing how the pole dancing moves he'd researched last night were still strongly seared to his brain and weren't going anywhere anytime soon thanks to the nature of his copying ability.

Just as he was doing a series of impressive air humps, the locker room door opens.

"Midorima-kun, please feast your eyes upon _this_ " And there was almost a full minute of frozen silence that only ice sculptures in the arctic could pull off…

...Before Midorima screamed, and continued screaming as he ran out of the room, bumping into a few lockers on his way out.

"It was a mating call?" Kise suggested weakly.

Kuroko shakes his head wearily.

"Your delusion must a nice place to live in, Kise-kun"

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #12. Invite him to escort you_

Me [4.40 PM]: Midorimacchi, I'm lost~ (⊙﹏⊙✿)

I don't know where I am

Can you come get me? And then walk me home? ~(◡﹏◕✿)

MIDORIMACCHI 333 [4.43 PM]: I hope you never find your way back.

Me [4.44 PM]: SO MEAN! o(╥﹏╥)o

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #13. Take him out for a drink_

"Midorimacchi, Midorimacchi!" Midorima balks as Kise places a hand on either shoulder as he's leaving his classroom "Hey, fancy going out for a drink sometime?"

He hopes the excessive winking helps his cause.

A beat, and then Midorima's face takes on the expression of one that's horrifically scandalized.

"We're underage!" He bellows and everyone else exiting their classrooms pause in their tracks to gawk at them and mutter about 'real life BL'. Which Kise can't exactly deny.

"This is getting rather out of hand, don't you agree, Akashi-kun?" Kise hears Kuroko's voice from the opposite classroom.

Akashi himself is suspiciously silent.

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #14. Make him your target_

Kise's shooting isn't as good as Midorima's. He could say it's better than Kuroko's, but then again, everyone's shooting was better than Kuroko's. How should he put it? Oh right, Kise's shooting was better than all the non-regulars of the first string. And this was Teiko, so it was pretty good.

He started it out with small things; almost used up erasers, pen clips, second buttons, all carefully aimed and thrown when Midorima least expects it. And then Kise moved on to slightly more adventurous options of empty drink cans, water bottles and the odd basketball.

It was when Midorima stated shooting basketballs back at him that he decided this was maybe not the best advice the internet could have offered. _And did he mention Midorima's aim was so much better and range-friendly than his own?_

* * *

 _Cosmo Tip #15. Slap his ass_

Kise timed it perfectly. Right after afternoon practice, just as Midorima was coming out of the shower with the too small towel wrapped around him. Teiko management was stingy about that part of basketball funds. Not that Kise was complaining.

Midorima let out a very undignified squawk and almost let his towel drop out from under him. Now wouldn't that have been a sight to see…

 _"WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD ARE YOU DOING!?"_

Kise thinks God would approve actually. Yeah, God was totally on his side.

"Was it too soft? Shall I try again, harder?"

From somewhere behind them Murasakibara made a comment about train wrecks between mouthfuls of cookies and Aomine wholeheartedly agreed.

 _"You pervert! You utter imbecile! You despicable cretin of the underworld, go die!"_

…

Well, that went... well. Ish.

...

Actually no, he's going to ask Akashicchi to sue Cosmopolitan Magazine for the distribution of false and misleading information that has the potential to ruin lives.

* * *

A week passed.

And Kise still liked Midorima. More than before, if that was even possible with just how much he loved him to begin with. And Google was still very much his god. Only now his search criteria was more in the vein of 'dying alone and unloved+support group'.

Kuroko sighs behind his back, informs Kise that he's hopeless and stop crying, he looks gross.

This of course made Kise cry harder, and in response Kuroko sighs deeper.

"I'll talk to Akashi-kun and he'll take care of it" Kuroko says cryptically and disappears.

And for some reason, Kise is not worried, even though the last time Akashi 'took care of something', there were bodybags involved, because Akashi treasured his precious vice-captain too much to ever…well, do something morally ambiguous.

At least Kise hoped so.

He hoped and prayed for another week. He even found some time to fit in an occasional crying fit and finding a new addiction to chocolate. One look at his puffy red eyes had been enough to break Murasakibara's barrier of general 'don't care'-ness and provide him with a seemingly infinite supply of chocolate.

It's when he was stuffing chocolate in his mouth after practice that the love of his life casually strolled by. Well, less-'casually strolled by' and more-'stiffly marched towards him with murder in his eyes', but Kise wasn't sweating the minor details. Technically, worrying about minor details, like his lack of being together with Midorimacchi was what led to this mess in the first place.

"Midorimacchi!" Sure Midorima must be here to kill him, but that doesn't mean Kise wasn't happy, or rather ecstatic to see him.

"Kise" The love of his life greeted awkwardly while still managing to look cold and unaffected through sheer willpower and maybe his lucky item.

 _'He said my name!'_ A high pitched and very not-Kise sounding voice inside his head squeaked with glee.

The weeks of not really seeing each other and not talking must've made Kise's heart extra sensitive to Midorima's presence.

"Akashi, he... " Midorima clears his throat awkwardly "He seems to have the ridiculous notion that you harbor romantic….feelings towards me"

If Kise wasn't panicking internally at being found out, he would've laughed at the way Midorima forced himself to go through the pain of actually saying the word 'feeling'. For someone who does everything in his power to avoid showing any hint of owning feelings, Kise appreciates his effort.

"In fact," Midorima continued on, oblivious as ever "Kuroko seems to be under the same impression. As well as Aomine, Mursakibara, Momoi…"

This…. could not…. _possibly_ have been what Kuroko meant by 'taking care of it'.

"...And the multitudes of random basketball members, _that I didn't even know existed until last week_ , somehow managed to take valuable practice time to inform me of this obviously untrue fact!" Midorima finishes with a huff.

Kise really didn't know what to say, because Midorima's words were saying one thing, but his instincts honed from watching Midorima for so very long (it doesn't count as stalking when they walk home together!) are telling him a whole nother thing.

"Midorimacchi, this may come as a shock but, I do 'harbor romantic feelings' for you" He says because Midorima looks less like someone coming up to him to brush away a stupid rumor, and so much more like someone desperately wanting to hear said stupid rumor validated.

"I…see" Midorima pushes his glasses back so the flare hides his eyes "So I assume the general ridiculousness of the past few months can be attributed to this?"

"I admit that google searching my way into a relationship wasn't the best of my great ideas lately" Kise had enough self-awareness to understand at least that much, thank you very much.

"You have no great ideas, in fact I doubt you have enough brain cells to generate a simple thought process of an idea at all!"

"Waah! Why must you be so mean even when you're asking me out!?"

Midorima choked, and somehow managed to fall into a coughing fit. Kise happily-he meant concernedly!- reached over to pat Midorima on the back, but froze when he heard Midorima somehow manage to mutter hoarsely.

"I'm not asking _-cough-cough-_ you out! You idiot! Who told you that!? Was it Kuroko!? It was Kuroko wasn't it!"

"So… you're not?" Kise clenched his eyes shut because if he opened them, no doubt he would see his world crashing down around him.

"I'm not" Midorima confirms calmly, recovering from his bout of coughing. "You're asking me out! This all started because of your utter stupidity, so be sure to take responsibility!"

"So... will you go out with me?" Kise perks right back up. For someone who spent weeks playing dirty underhanded cosmo tricks instead of being direct, it was surprisingly easy to just…ask.

Midorima becomes extremely interested in his lucky item, which was a 3 day old train ticket, Kise doubts it's all that fascinating.

"For the sake of the basketball club" He declares finally, his face pink, pink, pink. "All this idiocy is affecting practice, and as vice-captain, I refuse to stand for it!"

"For the love of basketball!" Kise agreed cheerfully, and kisses Midorima right there in the locker room of Teiko High basketball club.

Needless to say, said basketball club was not amused.

 _~owari_

* * *

 **A/N: That's it for Day One folks, the author says like she has actual fics planed for a rest of the week. Ha. Hahahaha. *wipes tears***

 **Anyways, hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it! I admit I was in a bit of a rush towards the end so if there are any spelling/grammar mistakes please feel free to tell me~ In fact I insist that you tell me because trust me you'll be saving me from a lot of future embarrassment...**

 **And make sure to check out MidoKise Week on tumblr and please tell me your tumblr so I can do important things like following you :DDD**

 **Thank you so much for reading, you lovely, wonderful people~!**


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